You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
