Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
