just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
