The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
