I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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