I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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