That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
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