you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
