Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
