hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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