I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
