Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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