If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
