I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
