White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
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