words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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