Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
