I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
