why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
