so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
