the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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