lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
