Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
