I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
