i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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