1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
