Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
