i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
