Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
