One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
