Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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