This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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