I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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