She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
