Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
