I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
