Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You can't motorboat a personality
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I want to fling myself into the sun
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
