So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
