Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
