i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
