i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
