Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
