I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
