wakey wakey hands off snakey
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
