the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
