you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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