guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
