I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
