i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I just forgot I was standing up.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
