DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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