do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
