After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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