We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
