Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
