Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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