we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
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The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
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His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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