there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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