Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
