I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
