whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
